Calories Are Sneaky Sons of Biscuits

If you’ve decided to start tracking your calories to lose some poundage then I have a few tips for you mister sister. As an ex-mega-fatty, I know a thing or two about how to finagle calories so you stay within your allotment. When I first started tracking calories I used a handy dandy excel spreadsheet. This allowed me to keep track of daily and weekly goals. This was particularly nice because if I went over my calories one day then I knew exactly how many calories I had to cut later in the week to hit my weekly goal. That was the end game. As long as I hit my weekly goal I was losing weight. My strategy for this was to think ahead about how I wanted to use my calories. Now you might be thinking, “WTF Viv, are you high? I don’t even know what I want for lunch and I’m eating lunch right now.” Now if you’re one of those lazy fuckers who wants to lose weight without putting in the work then you may as well take up meth. Seriously, losing weight takes serious commitment. I know it sounds super cheesy, but it really is a lifestyle change. I’ve tracked my calories for 6 years now and it doesn’t even phase me that I do it. 

Below I’ve compiled a list of things I did that helped me immensely in the beginning when I was calorie tracking. I hope it helps you too! 

1.       Find a calorie tracker. There are some great apps out there that you can load to your phone or tablet. I personally use myfitnesspal. It tracks calories and nutrient intake such as Carbs, Protein, and Fiber. Based off your age, lifestyle and how much weight you want to lose, it will calculate your daily calorie allowance. There are also great websites out there like Calorie King where you can look up calories for grocery foods as well as restaurant and fast food. I also really liked using the free dieting website. They have a lot of cool health calculators.

2.       Plan ahead. Think about how you want to use your calories for the day and week. If I had dinner plans for the weekend, then I’d take in fewer calories earlier in the week. That way I could splurge a little more at the dinner outing.

3.       Eat lots of fiber and protein! When I first starting cutting calories, I was like “What the eff?! I haven’t eaten 1,250 calories a day since I was a baby?!” Fiber and protein keep you feeling full longer so you don’t get a hankering for shit like cheetos or In-N-Out…well you’ll still want In-N-Out, but you know what I mean.

4.       Eat 4 or 5 small meals a day if you feel like you can’t stick to 3 basic ones. This was actually what I did. Have 2 eggs in the morning (140 cals), baby carrots and guac for a snack (135), 1 cup chili with ¼ cup of shredded Mexican cheese and greek yogurt subbed in for sour cream for lunch (480), apple and 1 TBS of peanut butter for afternoon snack (280), baby kale & spinach salad with 3 oz of rotisserie chicken, crumbled goat cheese, bell peppers, cucumber, lemon juice and pepper for dinner (286). Even with all that you come in under 1,250 cals at 1,221 cals.

5.       Don’t waste your calories on drinks! The reason I was able to maximize my calorie intake was because I was spending it ALL on food. I drink nothing but water and unsweetened tea. If you have a coffee obsession and can’t give it up, then honey you best start thinking about what meals you want to start cutting out completely. Think about it, 1 grande Starbucks vanilla latte with nonfat milk will cost you 200 calories! That’s almost 2/3’s of your dinner! 

If, even after all this you’re still like, “What the feck man? Who has that much time?” then I hope you enjoy elastic waistbands and moo moo dresses.